


guilty

by zhengting



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: I Tried, I really did, M/M, but its sweet, ish, light angst i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 05:05:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14846354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zhengting/pseuds/zhengting
Summary: 3:30 am thoughts





	guilty

        Zhengting lies awake in the darkness, staring at the city street lights through thin curtains and listening to Xukun’s steady breathing close to

his ear. Somehow, in his sleep, Xukun has managed to make the soft spot below Zhengting’s shoulder his new pillow. Zhengting doesn’t mind it

much, but he did have to move slightly to make both of them more comfortable when Xukun’s head first found its place there. Like this, Zhengting

can’t see as much of Xukun’s face as he would’ve liked, but he can still make out the way the soft light frames Xukun’s sleeping face, skin glowing

and more ethereal than usual. Zhengting sighs inaudibly and shifts again, wedging his arm out from under Xukun and threading his fingers into

Xukun’s hair instead, fingers brushing through soft strands distractedly.  


   


        Once upon a time, Zhengting had thought he loved Xukun, needed Xukun, couldn’t live without Xukun. Looking back, Zhengting thinks that

he was just in a desperate stage of life, and Xukun just happened to be the one who was there and took care of him. And it didn’t have to be

Xukun, Zhengting realizes now. It could’ve been anyone else, and Zhengting would’ve fallen in love with them regardless, because that was just

how desperate he was. But it was Xukun, and while Justin might say that it was fate, Zhengting… thinks that it’s not that simple. He loves Xukun

and Xukun makes him happy, and that should, used to, be enough. But now, even as Zhengting lies next to Xukun, perfectly content, the nagging

voice in the back of his mind returns and tells him, _this is not it_ , _this is not what you want_. The voice, it wants something different, but Zhengting

doesn’t know what it wants. Zhengting is confused, because it wants something different, but nothing’s changed, and he doesn’t want to hurt

Xukun. Zhengting doesn’t know what’s happening to him, and he doesn’t know what to do, and he doesn’t know what he feels.

        

        (He does know what’s happening to him, actually, but he can’t admit it, because he can’t break Xukun after everything he’s done for him.)

   


        Xukun shifts next to him, burrowing into Zhengting’s side, and Zhengting breaks out of his thoughts. When the corners of Zhengting’s mouth

lift into a smile, it’s one that’s tinged with forlornness. _This is the person I love_ , he tells himself, and he almost believes himself. Shutting all the

voices out of his head, Zhengting gently moves Xukun onto his back so he won’t have a cramped neck tomorrow. The red letters of their clock read

4:06 and Zhengting closes his eyes, casually ignoring the guilt that has made itself home in his chest in the past few days. He tells himself he’ll try

harder tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> alkdjflakj this was one of the first things i wrote since i stopped writing like 3 years ago so feedback is very much appreciated :')  
> also if i didn't make it clear in the fic zhengting is basically falling out of love with xukun even though he doesn't want to and that makes him sad


End file.
